chapter 09

Kandi stayed in her room that night, aching. She was alone again. What could she do? Where could she turn that would fill that void? She wanted to reach out to someone who was bigger than she was. She wanted someone to hold her and wipe the tears away. She wanted so desperately to be cherished and cared for. All she felt that night was rejection. She picked up the phone. She wanted to call someone who knew her longer than one week. The only person within 500 miles that fit the criteria was her mom and she just couldn't talk to her about what had happened and what she felt. Finally she decided to call Blake. Blake and Kandi had gone out for three months, but after they realized that a move was inevitable they decided to discontinue the relationship. Blake was a great guy but long distance relationships, they both agreed, were a drag. But Kandi still thought of him often and wrote him that very first night in she spent in Indy. She pulled the letter up on her computer screen and read it again.

Dear Blake,

Here I am. My first night in Indianapolis. The flight was fine and I'm beginning to get unpacked. Taking a break now and I'm thinking of you. Blake, I really do miss seeing you already. I'm sure I'll get adjusted and you will too, but I wish we were together again exploring the canyons with our friends from Tascosa High. We sure had a lot of fun back then. I guess the old saying is true. ?You don't know exactly what you have until its over.' I know we agreed that it'd be best for us not to even think about staying together, but I hope we'll still be close. I hope you'll write me soon or even call. I gave you my new number the other day but just in case- 317-555-3690.

I'm missing you more than I expected. Tell everybody ?hi' for me. I'll let you know how Summit High works out. Please call!

Love,
Kandi

She had mailed the letter several days ago. She expected to hear from him but she'd been out of the house so much that she assumed that she had missed the call. She was so needy for affirmation. Someone to listen to her intently and remind her of who she really was. Blake wasn't the popular type like Troy. He was deeper and more sincere in character and action. She had wondered what Blake would say to her once she had told him about Troy's attack. She imagined that he'd become furious. She wanted to hear his outrage. She picked up the phone and dialed the area code and part of the number three times before hanging up. Finally she worked up enough courage to complete the call.

After three rings a female voice answered the phone. "Hello?"
"Yes, Is this the Calloway residence?"
"Yes." The voice on the other end of the line sounded familiar but she couldn't place it.
"Can I speak to Blake?"
"Sure. Who's this?"
"It's Kandi."
There was silence for a long moment as if the voice was in sudden realization. The voice continued with enlightened enthusiasm and yet with an twinge of uncomfortablilty. "Oh... Hi Kandi! It's Rebecca."
Kandi's heart sunk even further than it had gone. Rebecca was one of Kandi's friends. They had been on double dates together on several occasions. Kandi tried to talk herself out of all the negative feelings that she was having at that moment but she could do it. She thought, They are friends. Have been for years. Snap out of it. They might not even be dating, but even if they are, what right do you have to feel bad about this? You're out of the picture. He's free. Still, all the logic she could muster would not relieve the emotional burden that clung to her spirit.
Kandi tried to match Rebecca's forced enthusiasm, "Hey! How are you?"
"Fine. I'm doing good. You sound like you're right here in town. Are you?"
"I'm in Indiana. I wish I was there."
"Bet you do." There was another uncomfortable pause. "I guess you want to talk to Blake. Uh... He's right here.-"
"No really. I don't- I mean-- I can call back later-"
"Kandi... He's right here."
Kandi could hear the muffling of the phone and faint whispers on the other end. Her heart pounded and her face blushed.
"Hey Kandi." Blake said.
"Hi. I just wanted to call and-"
"I'm glad you did. How's Indiana?"
She thought about telling him the truth but she was hurting so badly that she was afraid she might cry and cause Blake to feel responsible. She just wanted to hang up the phone by that time. I have no right to feel this way! She thought. But she couldn't help the hurt. She couldn't mask it. In a split second she made the decision to lie. "Indiana's great." Another wretched moment of silence then- "But I sure miss ya'll."
"We miss you too."
"Did you get my letter?"
"Sure did. In fact I was going to call you but, you know me, I lost your number."
"I put it in the letter."
"Right."
More silence.
Kandi breathed deeply and paced the floor as she held the phone and twisted the cord around her index finger. "Listen, I'll call back later-"
"I'll call you tonight, Kandi."
"Will you? That'd be great. I wanted to tell you what's been going on here." She felt that this was enough bait to heighten his curiosity. She couldn't believe that she was being so manipulative as to obligate him to call her. She felt worthless and simple, like a child vying for her father's attention.
She hung up the phone and wept. The walls seemed to close in around her. She felt trapped, held hostage by her own loneliness. As she had done many times before she retreated to her journal and wrote of her struggle in poetic form:

"Can you imagine how it hurts?
A loneliness that sears right
leaving nothing but wrong
prevailing in a world of doubt.
It weaves intentions into futile attempts at sanity.
It longs throatlessly for a breath of faith
but never seems content to believe.
There's no believing in hope.
Why hope in futility?
It brings only vain giving,
and sings of imaginary princes and toads.
The seasons change, having no need of companionship.
How I wish I were a tree or a librarian!
How many times have I wanted not to want
and wished not to wish!
Ending this cycle of silence.
How I hate the seasons
for they remind me of what I am not...
For I linger each lonely night in sullen repose
desiring to enter the heart and soul of another.
But my world is still empty.
My dream still hollow..."

She closed her journal and tried to escape into a novel that was on her bedside table. She read and thought and stared at the phone for what seemed to be an eternity. Every now and then she prayed to a God she did not know. In other moments her mind returned to a better day, before the abuse and fear which was dutifully served to her and her mother by a drunken, desperate father. She remembered her childhood, her dreams and her hopes. She thought of all these things and waited. But Blake never called back.