sons and fathers

This is the lesson of long since spoken prayers.  
We wait and wonder. pray again
question
pray some more
look under the hood
pull out the books
read
fast
listen to way too many stories of other sons and other fathers
pray some more and "oh my it's been 7 years of waiting."

i hear-tell some have waited much longer.
I am learning as I wait for the answer.
I'm learning about family dynamics, addiction, the 20something culture.
I am learning about nights awake, bargaining, denial and anything to forget
I am learning about doubt and all those things never spoken on "Christian" television.
I am learning about how deep in the bones we are connected to our kids.
And yet I know love is greater that anything else I have experienced. Love mixed with wonder
not the wonder of the rockies, of sunsets, or breathtaking moments
wonder as in- i wonder if i will see the day he is free. wonder if he'll disappear one day taking a greyhound to the new far country. wonder if all these days of praying will be climatically halted by the sound of door, a phone or a siren. Or will i just wait and wonder and wonder and wonder.