lamentation
Monday, February 16, 2009 at 11:57PM when the sun sets
and all the world seems still
my heart is orphan-like
scanning the inner city
and far countries for the whispered prayers
years ago
(un)answered
life sings of cruelty
and later is far from
now
how i (like Christ) wanted to gather you
like a Father
but you would not.
my son, out of your deep loneliness
and hidden longing
you would not come.
and often i have wept bitter tears
smashing my faith against the side of walls you erected
how often i would have marched through jungles
fought beasts for you
how often i would have bled to see you turn
and i did bleed
*internally*
my hot tears and sleepless nights
perhaps speak more of my doubts than God's glory
the darkness scatters and i am afraid to hope
that your road will ever intersect
with the cross of Christ
but still i pray- afraid to ask
because this divine silence is unbearable
it sours the feast.
are these dark knights and stealth consequences
stronger that my faith?
the battle transcends any prize or deep rooted sorrow
the lonely hunter forages holy verse
for a jot of reason
weak consolations among stark realities
it's words paint reunions (but not tonight)
there are no heroes beside me now
(i used to bargain with the Holy One) and now I have surrendered
a beggar has no leverage in the destiny of men
fractured
and stubborn
like a runaway child
i am angry
but never disowned
i am a picture of desperation and i wish often
for a signal,
a blast of revelation
mine is a much messier epic
devoid of resolution
silhouettes on the horizon
sudden salvation
perfect conversations
and last ditch redemption
the swell of orchestration
and appropriate d'enouement
my son- God is sanding the exterior
and purging the interior.
i could win the laud of Kings
but nothing permits me joy these days
the notes i hear culminate in crashing cymbals
some think of grander things,
normality for one
but normal has never found me.
words of consolation seem sticky, syrupy sweet
life- strangely terse and unyielding
but i will lay once more on the altar of redemption
my broken child
I am a ram in the thickets
and in the morning, life continues and i will gather my faith
and believe in unseen forces
knowing that i worship a last-word Savior
i will sing in my brokenness
i will dance in hope
i will cast everything before the hot coals of holy encounter
i will trust when everything has left for greener valleys.
i will stand and wait and trust and learn
and in this time i will live a resolute life
and believe the story that begins In the beginning
and feeds my emptiness with power for this day and this day only
until tomorrow.
Reader Comments (2)
Perhaps the most convicting line for me was...
"my hot tears and sleepless nights
perhaps speak more of my doubts than God's glory"
Isn't that the truth!
Chris