Smelling of the husks

Yes the hardest part of returning to blogging is starting up again. There are many things in my realm that have kept me from the discipline of blogging these days.

but alas i shall mount a return. i really want to for my own sake. i guess everybody has been through the valley of laziness, or stress, or questioning, or aimless wandering- all the themes of laodosia, the wilderness wandering, the valley of dry bones, the far country, the all-night fishing expedition, the garden naps and Tarshish... That's where I've been lately.

Now I don't want you to think that i've been doing all the taboo in your face carnal stuff. no drinking, smoking, cheating or any other vast number of country song themes. I've just been stuck in a weird place for the past few days. No melodrama, no shadows of death, no scrapping the sores with flint etc...

Just stuck. Which I might add, though less exciting than your average far country (of desperate housewives and court tv documentaries) still as deadly to the Spirit.

i have a pastor friend- who recently admitted a longstanding betrayal, sin, moral failure. And I'm not talking in terms of months. We're talking decades. and i know he's been forgiven. i would liken him to be sort of my "Elvis" of preaching-- larger than life. he's one of those guys that has such a power and a passion for the Word and he knows his stuff. There are lots of preachers that have great style but no content. and others that have great content but they could bore the paint off the walls? This guy had it all. I can't think of anyone that i enjoyed working with more than this guy. And he was one of those guys that could call me up and say- "i'd like to start a church in Nome Alaska and i like you to come shovel snow on sunday mornings." I'd say, "Great! When do we leave?" But i digress. I guess i just wanted to make clear how much i admired the guy.

i certainly can't stand in the land of grace and say condemn or sing some great tragic aria about how shocked i am. i've just been angry (not that his sin affects me other than my world perspective.) but it just looped me. (Best term available on the cerebral palette right now) i'm talking jaw on the floor, bouncing a couple of times-- like on some old 50s looney tunes cartoon.

And of course there are those people that make you doubt the church's inability to become the bride- not in big things but just a lot of tiny little particles of spiritual infidelity. i wonder about change and if real transformation is possible. i see the scope of my life in these times as burdensome and with a bit of cynicism. I wonder why my life hits so many road blocks. I pray for God to release me from thorns i've nursed for decades and i find it harder and harder to say, God, glory in my weakness. i cry uncle and i wonder why these things seem so purposeless.

And then i remember the cross. i remember why i'm here and i share my struggles with Him and His presence reminds me that it's not over.

Hold on, my boy. He whispers. It's not over.

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Comments

[john the lesser]

He told us to trust Him and we trust human
He told us to keep eyes on Him and we look to the else

Maybe the water we can walk on is the bucketloads of tears we get by investing our faith and trust in other than Jesus.

I had one of those, "But I trusted you to honor your word" moments this week. People can be quite the disappointments...

[matt tullos]

Great thoughts John...

[Myra Jackson]

Hey Matt. So appreciate you sharing where you are and your honesty. I too, have been in what someone termed "the dark night of the soul" lately. Sometimes the light at the end of my tunnel burns like a fire and other times I can barely see the spark.

[matt tullos]

Good to hear from you Myra. Let's pray against the contagion:-)

[Sarah L. Howell]

Thanks for sharing Matt. I too identify with the themes of Laodicea. Though they were ignorant of their state of apathy, I am keenly aware of mine. Perhaps that means I am leaving the far country. I certainly hope so. I pray the same for you as well.