prayer for the canvass

I'm in the mason jar teaming with colors swirling into clouds of brown-
there with many others.
i repent of my ambition as I wait in slippery silence.
I am constantly reminded of the weakness within as I confront the instincts that bind me to the same paths and speeches (thoughts also)
I am seeking that nod that says "You're OK"
I'm running around trying to become legitimate
- waiting for that one moment when all will come into place
that well done good and faithful everything
And therein lies the flaw
my mind races ahead and the voice of flesh (disguised as judge) calls out
one more pat on the back
one more fragrant complement
one more book
one more project
one more sermon
one more triumph
then you can rest.
And i become a slave to the tyranny of works

Lord, cast my self-affirming lust to the four winds of your grace.
purge me from the deep, dark lie of success.
Give me a deep abiding understanding that I am part of a portrait.
verily not the masterpiece
only a stroke of paint in the larger panorama.
deep calls to deep
i tremble- trying hard to yield
may i understand the palette
and become the instrument
for this one breath of time that you hold me in your hands.