Elijah/L.J.

L.J.

The Terminal Series
Architypal Character: Elijah

Lights up.

LJ is on his Mobile phone.

L.J.:  I'm sorry but I can't do that Jeff.  I'll be back in a few
days. (pause) I don't have my PDA handy. (pause) Top of my head?  Some
time next week.  I can't tell you. (pause)  I can't tell you that
either. Look I'm not trying to be a jerk.  I just… (pause) My hands
are tied and I just can't talk about it right now. Look I have another
phone call coming in. (He clicks into the next call)  LJ...  Oh hi.
No, I can't.  (Pause)  Because there is no gas left in the tank.  I
just need a little time to sit in the pew.  By the way, I won't be
there Sunday morning. Anyway, Mike's preaching on what to do with your
free time. I can't relate to that. (Pause)  Thanks, Glenda.  Thanks.
(Fake sounding cheerfulness)  Bu-bye now.

Phone Rings

L.J.:  Hello? Hey Honey. (pause) Yes Honey. (Pause) yes Honey. Yes
Honey. (Pause) Yes Honey. Yes Honey. (Pause) Yes Honey.  I love you
too. Bu-Bye.  (A gritted growl)

(Phone rings again and L.J. casually tosses it a garbage contained.)

Bud:  Uh Sir? I think you accidentally tossed your phone in the garbage.

L.J.:  I don't think so.

Bud:  I think you did.

L.J.:  No.  But thanks for all the concern.

(Phone starts ringing.)

Bud:  The garbage can is ringing.

L.J.:  Well, then it must be for the custodian.

Bud:  Do you want me to get it?

L.J.:  Don't I have the right to throw my phone away?

Bud:  It might be a security risk.

L.J.:  A security risk?

Bud:  Maybe.

L.J.:  No.  I don't think a cel phone and a dirty bomb are in the same category.

Bud:  You must be a very rich man.

L.J.:  No actually I'm not. I'm just tired of being so available.

Bud:  Come again?

L.J.:  Available! You'd think a guy would be able to afford the luxury
of a little "me" time.

Bud:  Could I see your ticket?

L.J.:  Oh this is great.

Bud:  Look I'm just trying to do my job.

L.J.:  Why do you need to see my ticket?

Bud:  Please.  You threw your phone in the garbage.  Don't you think
that's a little unusual?

L.J.:  No.  Do you know what I think is unusual?

Bud:  I guess you're gonna tell me.

L.J.:  I think it's unusual that a guy my age doesn't have a life.
That's what I think is unusual. (His emotions are building) I am
everyone's solution.  I don't even feel like a person.  I'm a guy who
is has had it up to here with "have-to's"! If I wanted to be at
everyone's beck and call 24 hours a day I would have been a fireman.
Come to think of it that is exactly what I am.

Bud:  You don't have to tell me EVERYTHING about your life. I just
wanted to see your ticket.

(L.J. hands over the ticket and just keeps talking)

L.J.:  I'm sick. I'm sick of deadlines, budgets, team meetings, Sunday
School, coaching little league. It's like I am the end-all resource
for half of Brentwood!

Bud: (Looking at the ticket) So you are going to Tahiti?

L.J.:  Yes.  Don't you think after 45 years, three kids, fifteen jobs,
22 years of marriage, one war, 2 mortgages, 14 bosses, and one
bleeding ulcer I deserve to take a break?

Bud:  Wow.

L.J.:  I went to a counselor and he said I have boundary issues.

Bud:  Really?  Ya think?

L.J.:  He said, "People are like houses.  Some people have a keep
their door locked.  Those are the healthy ones."

Bud:  Makes sense.

L.J.:  He says, "Other people keep their door closed and unlocked and
if someone really knows them they can just come in and take what ever
they want. And then other people have their door wide open and even
strangers take advantage of their personal life."  I looked at him and
said, "So you think my door is wide open?" He just said, "LJ, from
what I can tell, you don't even have a door."

Bud:  Are you sure this is the right way to handle your issues?

L.J.:  Excuse me I thought you were a security guy.

Bud:  Just asking.

L.J.:  I thought that the more people I helped- the more people would
appreciate me. But it's just the opposite.  The more I help, the more
people walk all over my personal time.

Bud:  What personal time?

L.J.:  Exactly.

Bud:  So you're breaking out of here.

L.J.:  For a while. Maybe.  I don't know. Over the past 2 years, three
of my friends marriages have crashed and burned. Do you think four
days on an island with Pena Coladas, dancing till dawn in flip-flops
is going to cause the heavens to fall? I just need time to decompress.

Bud:  You sound like a pent up Southern Baptist.

L.J.:  You really do know your job.

(The phone rings in the garbage)

Bud:  Do you want me to get that?

(Lights fade)