still awake

i can't seem to go to sleep tonight. so many thoughts and prayers running through my brain so i sit in bed writing and praying for several things. worry consumes me when i think about these boys going out into the world. i must confess my weakness as a father and pray that my God will be their abba. i feel like i'm barely getting by these days. hardly any energy to discipline...

Lord, make me the strong father that i must be. I think ever since my experience a year and a half ago with Isaac, i grew cynical about whether my influence is strong in the lives of my kids. i know that train of thought and it is a lie. it's one of those thoughts that i must rebuke... continung to pray without ceasing... while inside doubt swells up wondering if prayer really works and yet trusting God to do His work. Lord have mercy on me. the fear sometimes causes me to tremble... literally tremble...

Bob Bennett's lyric is in mind:

I know life is more than just survival But that's all that I can see
I'm still alive tonight
And that's good enough for me I'm still alive tonight

i want more than anything to be a good father-- but sometimes i have to check the old motive detector. do i want this for them or do i want it for me. for my own glory. i envy the people in my life that have the perfecct family portrait. my family is a work in progress. and i know coveting is one of the big ten. i see so many of my faults in them. the insecurity, the depressive tendancy... the overly cerebral-sometime viceral nature, the over emotional midnight. i wonder if they will be less tainted than i am/was. Lord, i place them on the altar knowing that You love them and their earthly daddy.

my prayer tonight is:

Let them know my walk is true
let the see my life in You

I love You, Lord.

Comments

[John]

It,s 1am and you are reading my mind.
I see the anger of my father at times in my two year old.
I see the same face of fears and confusions in my infant that I see in the mirror. Do I have that many wrinkles on my forehead?
I now understand the meaning of sins of the father. And I do not like it.

And the money thing. Gotta cough up a lung by June for the doctors. They already got one from me. I wonder if I can still breath without both....

Lord, be my breath.